Teach a child to make a friend

Stacey and I are both introverts by nature, me more so than she. Our oldest is introverted as well, but probably at about the same level as her mother. She isn't completely crippled in social situations like her father, she's just not a natural. If you prod her, give her a line, she handles it like a champ. Like many bloggers, I just play an extrovert on the internet.

Our youngest is the complete opposite - an extrovert's extrovert. She's open to others to the point of fault. We're constantly reminding her not to approach strangers. She is in the habit of chasing down every pet owner she sees. A perv with a puppy is our biggest fear.

But, I'll write about teaching stranger-danger some other time.

I just read a post about starting a quality conversation, written by Penelope Trunk. Her post is targeted to adults, and probably more specifically to networking/job situations, but there are many points that work well in pure social situations as well.

It occurred to me that a lot of this could be applied to children as well, if we just put it into a context they'll understand.

Finding a friend on the first day of school

If you think about all of the "first conversations" you've had, most of them probably start the same way. You see someone and they see you and you probably both smile. One of you said "Hi", and the other one said "Hi" back. You may not have said, "My name is ___", but you should because people like to know other people's names if they're going to be friends.

Next, you probably talked about doing something, like playing a game or working on schoolwork. This is a great way to start a conversation! Just ask the person, "What are you playing?" or "What are you doing?", and they will tell you.

Some kids stop here, because they don't know what to say next. Here are some special words to remember to keep a conversation going long enough to make friends:

• Who - "Who do you know in this class?", "Who are you playing with?", "Who is your Mom?"
• What - "What did you think of that?", "What are you reading?"
• Where - "Where did you get that?", "Where do you live?", "Where did you come from?", "Where are you going?"
• When - "When are you playing?", "When did you start?"
• Why - "Why do you like that?", "Why are going there?", "Why are you doing this?"

Did you notice something? Everything I wrote above I wrote as a question. The best way to let people know you like them is to ask them questions about themselves and what they are doing. As people get better at conversations, they will ask those same questions of you and -BINGO! - you have a great conversation and the beginning of a friendship.

You have a chance to make friends with everyone. Most people like talking about themselves, so if you ask questions, they'll remember you as someone that was interested in them. However, there are special cases of kids that really, really want to be YOUR friend:

The New Kid.

I moved to lot of different schools when I was growing up, and it was never easy to be the new kid, especially when you're shy. I was always grateful to the kids that took time to ask me questions and show me around the school and tell me stuff I needed to know. Sometimes, those kids were just naturally friendly kids that were helpful, but we didn't become best friends. Other times, they were kids that turned into great friends.

But, none of us ever knew which was which until after we started talking.

And remember - SMILE!